Job Post: Front End Web Developer. Employer: God.

Photo by Eric Prouzet on Unsplash

This position is based in Heaven, although working from home is also an option. But you’ll probably prefer to work from the office due to the great views, floating on clouds and being served hot buttered toast and coffee from beautiful angel beings.

The role: HTML4 Developer, God’s new homepage

Skills required: HTML4, CompuServe animated GIFs, a bit of PaintShop Pro or similar.

Righto, I’m God. First up, I don’t have a beard and I’m not a woman. I’m not a man either, I am a supernatural being and as such defy all earthly description, so get with the program and listen up. I’ve decided to catch up with the 21st century and get me a web site. I’m getting a bit tired of all the know-it-all clever dick atheists out there who think I don’t exist, so I’ve decided I need to do a spot of PR and networking. But I’m definitely not using that stupid Twitter thing, I’ll barely get one Bible verse published on that and I’m a very busy being.

So I’m opting for a good ‘ole fashioned homepage. Thus I need a developer. You’ll need to know HTML, version 4 is fine, to my mind it hasn’t got any better since then. And you can forget all that testing business, by the time it’s all been tested and what-not I’d have decided to scrap it and start again, and besides that I’d have fallen asleep. And I don’t want any of that poncey JavaScript stuff either, that really makes my foot itch with all that fancy stuff going on, I can barely tell the page has changed. No, I like to see a nice big white screen before the next page appears otherwise I don’t know where I am. But animated GIFs are fine, so please bring them to the party, and if you’re good with the <blink> tag that’ll be grand – I need to make it at least a little visually appealing.

Right I think that’s about it. Send your CV by reciting it in the form of a prayer, starting with the words “God’s New Homepage”, it’ll get to me. The successful applicant will get an early hours visitation, probably from my Son, so don’t alarmed, he’ll just want a quick chat.

Anyways, good luck, and no arguments – I’m God and if I kick you in the nuts you’ll know about it.